Marriage Pursuit

Driven Christian Dating

Scout Your Mate Guide!

First Thirty Days

Doing The Daily: Tasting Real Life Together In Your Christian Dating Relationship

By

Tackle a Chore: One Way To Experience Real Life In Your Christian Dating Relationship

My idea of superwoman is someone who scrubs her own floors. – Bette Midler

It can be easy to get completely swept away by the tide of romantic thrills. When a relationship launches everything can seem euphoric, sensational and surreal. Getting inundated with fantastical notions is quite possible.

One of the biggest reasons why so many of the couples established on The Bachelor(ette) shows split following the season is that their relationship was founded on fantasy. Before the much-hyped fantasy-suite, they are systematically regaled by a sequence of surreal dating experiences. Skiing in the Alps, private concerts in city squares, and seaside candlelit dinners become common-place. They dine in style while someone else cleans the plates and sweeps the floors. There isn’t a hint of the “real” daily rigor that would be encountered in any daily home and work environment.

TV Fantasy Dating Land

Seriously, have you ever seen the Bachelor or Bachelorette contestants tackle a chore together?  During these first thirty days, we recommend that fun permeate your time together. You should be vibrant and youthful, but also a bit grounded. By adding a dose of your every day to the happy pep of marriage pursuit, you begin to incorporate accurate slices of your life into your relationship. Let’s be candid for a moment; everyone’s life has elements that are routine and unglamorous. There is plenty of tide detergent and toenail clipping, tire rotations and tooth cleanings for all of us.

The introduction of your significant other into this aspect of your life will convey your developing vision for a normal life together. Making a plan to meet for an oil change or stop by the pharmacy shows that you’ve reached a new comfort level, a plateau of reality! You are ready to allow this person to more deeply integrate into your life. Get excited to tackle a chore.

Our First Christian Dating Relationship Chore Together

Jenn and I first tackled a chore by picking up a batch of healthy, ready to eat meals from My Fit Foods19 as it was launching in Houston. I had become a raving fan of the concept (amen for quick, healthy meals to stock my bachelor refrigerator!) and the product line, even developing a friendship with the proprietors. Visiting the original My Fit store on Shepherd Drive became a ritual for Jenn and me when she came to the city. We would visit our pals inside, sample new nutritional products and each leave with a loaded bag of sustenance for the week. Participating in this task allowed us to share our health and fitness goals with each other and jointly increase our nutritional knowledge base. To this day we have great memories of those trips to My Fit Foods.

While taking the step of tackling a chore you might reveal a part of yourself that has made you insecure—the medical challenge, personal care routine, or financial fear that has been nagging you. While you are tackling the chore you will have a window to share and reveal things to your significant other. So get real and serious about tackling a chore in the first month since no marriage is errand-free!

Tackle A Chore:

Drop the fantasy land notions and get real.

Introduce your significant other to your daily life.

Open up while you tackle the chore together.

Christian Dating Safety: Case Their Casa

By

Christian dating involves a solid element of character investigation.   Since ultimately we are more interested in the interior of our person than their exterior, men and women in pursuit must become versed in “heart verification”.   Sidenote: the suggestions in this article should not be applied with stiffness or that unattractive brand of seriousness that drowns any or the ever winsome upbeat optimism.

Home Inspections For Christian Dating Safety

 

Especially in cultures with a heavy Christian influence, it is common for men & women to amplify their spirituality or even pretend that they are a Christ follower for the perceived relational advantage that it gives them with the opposite sex.   It is these investigative practices, applied with a heavy heaping of grace that separates savvy Christian daters from more simplistic ones.   Essentially your goal is to unearth a large quantity of personal background evidence on your significant other, then sift through all concerns by sorting essential warnings from standard growth area stuff.  My wife Jenn had a notoriously discombobulated living space when we met, with small UHual being filled by bags of trash.  This was clearly a growth area, not a major reason for concern.

 

Christian Dating Safety: Verify Who They Say They Are

 

Verification and investigation are normal features of the first thirty days, with basic dating safety as a priority. With all the vanity and puffery in the world, you must make it your business to get a full sense of the person you are pursuing (or who is pursuing you). Casing a casa provides dramatic visual clues to the manner of living, values, and interests of your significant other. Quite possibly, you may gain more insight from a fifteen-minute tour of personal living space than from ten evening dates. It may be spruced-up, but the casa does not lie. A word of caution – casing the casa is for those who have established a baseline of safety and rapport. This is not for the second date with the guy you met on christianmingle.com. In fact, there is a reason that I positioned this chapter right after circling up. After you have circled up and brought some social currency to bear, then you are ready to visit their home, preferably during daylight hours!

What are the key elements you involve when launching a new relationship?

Find out more from our Book, The First Thirty Days Launching Your Relationship Right.

 

Build Rapport: How To Date A Girl

By

As you begin to develop a relationship in the first thirty days, keep the concept of building rapport front and center.   A term for the establishment of interpersonal ease, rapport is frequently used in business relationships to describe the importance of positive perception and integration with another person. Building rapport is critical forming the agreement to initiate a relationship and in moving the relationship beyond stages of infancy.  At the root, rapport could be described as being liked and trusted by someone with whom we do not have an extensive history.  In marriage pursuit, rapport comprises feelings of comfort and fidelity. Your significant other is looking for your overall answers to these two questions; “Can I be myself? ” and “Will they guard the desires of my heart?” Eventually, rapport will be either enhanced or disestablished through repeated patterns.

Build Rapport

You should experience basic confirmation that you’re on the right course or plain hints that you should bail. This is The First Thirty Days: Launching Your Relationship Right, a large part of the first-month stage. You’re either building rapport or eroding it.  Psychologists tell us that people make subconscious determinations of interpersonal attraction and character judgment within one to seven seconds of meeting a new person entirely from external indicators such as appearance, mannerisms, and tonality. They call this extremely rapid and instinctive processing the “cognitive unconscious.”  First impressions are lasting impressions, according to the familiar adage. Here we expand the concept of first impressions to encompass the early patterns and norm sets which are largely established in the first thirty days.  From the epic romantic novel Pride and Prejudice, we find the pronounced warning, “Good opinion once lost, is lost forever.”  While out with Jennifer on our very first date, I compensated for my nervousness with over talking. She recalls that she didn’t feel very validated because I didn’t ask many questions or draw her into the conversation. Lesson learned.

How To Date A Girl

So building rapport is absolutely essential to the establishment of any marriage bound relationship.  Either you build rapport or you forgo establishing a relationship with any life-long potential. Every single interaction is a How To Date A Girl opportunity to increase mutual comfort level. You talk, you inquire, you share and laugh.  Maybe even cry. That little rapport meter is constantly reacting, bouncing up with responses interpreted positively and ticking down with negative impressions. What you must understand is that this first month in a relationship is essentially a protracted dual interview.  Indeed, this is the greatest personal assessment of your lifetime.

“Chose your life’s mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90% of your happiness or misery, ” H. Jackson Brown

At the top level, you should focus on compatibility and likeability. Never forget the importance of old-fashioned criteria.  Smile so that you exude a laid back persona that displays your sense of inner peace. Everyone’s attractiveness level rises at least one point (on a scale of ten) when they beam a grin of gladness and congeniality. I’ve been on dates with very attractive ladies who seldom smiled(maybe it was me) and can say emphatically that it was not fun. Give me a smile any day.Below the surface, consider carefully character qualities.You should be mindful of the moral and ethical portrait you present. At the same time, maintain a thorough eye on the profile of the one you are dating. Each day will present new opportunities for increased (or decreased) rapport, essential to how to date a girl. This process cannot be faked or artificially manufactured; it is assembled organically over time. Continuing the patterns of contact that you set in the first few days will establish a framework of consistency which will enhance rapport.Follow ThroughBeing a person who follows through will frame you as trustworthy more than anything else at this early relationship stage.

How To Date A Girl or Guy With Follow-Through

Following through a key component of rapport building. Part of the foundation for any marriage pursuit is the simple trust that someone will properly partner with us in the most challenging and intimate areas of life. It’s imperative that we seek integrity in the one who we grant full access to our time, resources, mind and heart.Therefore, remember, each time you call or text when you have indicated that you will, every time you carry out a previously sketched plan all the way to actualization, you’ll earn deposits in your trust account. Be an on-time lover by showing up at the proper moment and be fully ready when your significant other arrives. Also be a connoisseur of firm plans, don’t say, “I’ll call you Friday and we’ll make a plan.” Nail these dates down! You’re not the last minute contingency plan. Men this a way to the work of preparation and demonstrate the type of leader you could be for her as a husband. Women, expect a complete date plan before you accept a schedule commitment on your calendar. Your social time is far too valuable to be blocked off for a plan still residing on the drawing board. It is certainly appropriate (and advantageous) to graciously draw out the time, date and place from him -even for simple dates.The bottom line here is to build rapport through early actions that are simple, yet profound! Additionally, demand that any marriage potential does the same for you.

Why It’s Important To Learn How To Date A Guy or Girl

Unfortunately, an early pattern of dropping the ball plans frivolously altered last minute and calls unmade will quickly overdraw your account and signal trouble. On the other hand, if you suspect the integrity of your significant other is trending downward, then you must take action.  A juncture such as this presents you two potential action paths; end the relationship or go for a pointed confrontation. This clear call-out should lay out their wrongdoing in plain, unexaggerated language and allude to the prospect of a severed relationship if a complete correction does not occur. Many times I’ve seen the positive example of men who pursued women, who frankly weren’t initially interested in them with precision and dedication. This pattern of initiating plans and following through, calling and attending to the woman they liked, paid dividends. These men are now married to their girl. Follow-through works!  Our God is a completing God, He will complete His work in our lives (Phil. 1:6) and He will accomplish the entirety of His purposes in human history (Is. 55:11), so identify a finisher among your suitors and become a person who completes tasks. When you are intentional about laying the groundwork of strong rapport during the first month, dividends will be paid later.  Final words on How To Date A Girl or Guy.  The recap on rapport:

Stay In The Relationship

Smile and be joyful

Determine to do what you say you will do

Stand up for yourself, gently yet firmly

Christian Dating Tips: Meet In Person

By

Basic human contact – the meeting of the eyes, the exchanging of words, is to the psyche what oxygen is to the brain. –Martha Beck

 

Meet In Person

This may sound ridiculous, to have a chapter in a Christian dating tips book about meeting in person, but this is the modern world we are talking about. In the second decade of the 21st century, people are increasingly connecting electronically days or even weeks before they actually meet physically. Today it is quite possible for a man and woman to connect via online mediums, through their own initiative or the assistance of mutual friends, and develop an extensive conversation. Exciting for sure, these digital dates, fueled by the variety of communication tools widely available today, sometimes delay an in-person meeting until extensive verbal and written communication has already taken place. Incredibly, you can get to know a potential mate on a deep personal level prior to ever meeting them in person. This is a phenomenally odd predicament exacerbated by the warp speed with which we can now communicate.  Our emails run circles around our grandparents’ letters, giving rise to all new marriage pursuit dynamics.

Christian Dating Tips

It is an essential imperative that you meet; make plans to convene together soon for several key reasons. First, actual off-line relationships operate within the dynamics of both our physicality and our mental-spiritual complex. If you take weeks to finally meet-up, you may become involved in a fatally imbalanced “relationship.” Our physical frames matter and must be front and center in the development of any real relationship. Otherwise, your relationship may become one that is malformed and unsustainable in the real conditions of daily living. Therefore I share Christian dating tips, including within two weeks of a flare up that you meet up. Yes, I know this can be a major undertaking for people in different cities; nonetheless, you must make it happen or press pause until a path opens up. Please understand that I am a huge proponent of any medium that enables men and women to legitimately connect with one another for the prospect of marriage. Once you’ve have made digital contact and established a quick rapport evidenced by significant commonality, the priority is to meet. Wait for face time to build more connection and then let anticipation take flight.  In a shocking example, one young lady met a young man through a dating site who lived in the next big city over.

Christian Dating Tips

Though the distance was only a few hour drive, a combination of financial and work pressures prevented them from meeting for over two months.  During this time, they built a connection through texting, phone conversations and even video chatting together.  They shared their stories, laughed and dreamed together of potential to come. When they finally did meet in her hometown, their time was clouded with awkwardness and disjointed interaction. They knew the depths of the heart, but had none of the personal familiarity that can only come from quality time in the physical presence of another. Even with so much build-up, the relationship quickly fractured and ended.  We could contrast relationships of this form, overloaded on the front with long-distance connectivity, with the letter writing bridges of our ancestors. The data transmitted between a modern day relationship with hours of phone conversations and thousands of texts, emails and messages would dwarf the piles of letters exchanged between grandma and grandpa across the corn fields. An article on texting provides further illumination on the quirks of dating today, stating that twenty-four percent of people would end an exclusive, marriage-pursuit style relationship via text message.  This style of impersonalized interaction is wholly unacceptable for mature adults. Face time at all points of the relationship is pivotal.

An Email Breakup?

I received word recently that a friend’s boyfriend broke up with her via email today. This demonstrates a stark insensitivity to the situation. Clearly, we’ve got to get more personal and less digital in pursuing our mate.  Have you ever been attracted to someone through their profile and a dose of digital communication, but experienced a rapid decline in motivation when you met them in person? This is not uncommon; sometimes we develop an attraction without a complete sense of a person’s physicality. In these instances, we don’t know that we aren’t attracted. This may sound superficial at the onset, but please remember that underplaying physical chemistry can be devastating, wasting time and damaging emotionally. Physical attraction is the number one factor in partner choice according to both men and women, out-pacing both earning prospects and personality.  The bottom line here is that you should allow a balanced sexual pull to guide your initial relationship formation and not rely solely on verbal or written communication and photographs. It is not vain to acknowledge the importance of the physical, for it is in person that you make your external determination if this person is within your zone.   Physicality cannot be effectively gauged through any means other than a live appearance.

When I First Saw My Wife

When I first laid eyes on Jennifer, I knew that I was drawn to her. We were introduced at a church social event and for ten minutes excitedly chatted near the dance floor. Ironically after connecting this way, I thought leveraging social media would be a smooth next move. At the end of a conversation, I told Jenn that I would, “find her on Facebook.” In hindsight, I should have been more clear in my intention to pursue her. Without a full understanding of her relational availability, I went with the discreet approach.  In the digital age, meeting in person is more than ever an absolute imperative. Christian dating tips: carrying on pseudo-relationships for more than a month jeopardizes your time and emotional investment. You can connect through various means, but you must quickly meet in person within five communication exchanges.  One of the most important assessments that you’ll make in the first thirty days is determining your attraction level with the new man or woman in your life. You’ve got to definitively know with an affirmative yes or a confident no. There’s no middle ground.  Researchers postulate that men and women have a sex appeal, slightly above and below their own personal attractiveness, which they will instinctively consider in a potential mate during the process of selection.  Inherently we are looking for the best possible mate for reproduction and the survival of the next generation.  From documentary findings, men are more visual and their initial reads are usually firm, but women are able to subliminally adjust their attraction meter based on other desirable characteristics such as earning potential and personality. Please understand that you need not marry a super model or succumb to any other societal driven ideals. Forget about trying to impress anyone else with the appearance of your new beau; focus on your own attraction.

Christian Dating Tips: Focus Only On Your Attraction

Your attraction is what matters here. Remember, preferred body types and beauty indicators have varied widely throughout the ages. Your task is simple; you need only answer one question at this point. Are you attracted to this person? If they fall within your instinctive range of attraction, proceed with pep!  I remember hearing a young lady in college describe this this concept in rather frank language, “Can you imagine yourself having sex with him?” Her approach may have been stark, but her evaluative query was on track. There is no reason to take one more step inside this relationship if you do you not sense a fundamental, base level physical attraction to this person (under normal conditions). Having this drive is prerequisite.  I knew immediately that I was attracted to Jennifer that evening.   Something powerful kept me fixated on her as the motion of the party swirled around us. There was a palpable magnetism that focused our attention on each other. It was supernatural attraction which clued me in to my wife!  Action points for these Christian dating tips include:

Resolve to meet in person quickly.

Meet in a high-traffic venue & notify friends of your plans.

Determine if a second date should take place.

 

 

The Secret Sauce Of Dating

By

An ounce of initiative is worth five pounds of intention

The dating landscape is littered with hundreds of thousands of fallen intentions strewn by the roadside. Introductions not made, phone calls not placed, offers not extended. Relationship potential unrealized. All from lack of the secret sauce.  A connection seems so close, but the electrical current doesn’t flow.

So what element is so powerful that it kick starts every relationship?

There was something different about the onset of the 2007 for me.   It was becoming clear that I was done.   Done with frustration over my own lack of moxie I made a resolution.  This was the year I was going to take initiative!

This was going to be the year that I found my wife!

Instead of allowing the pursuit of my wife to be written in second person, I started taking first person action.  Under God’s mighty hand I began to move out!

Initiative is eagerness to do something. This is a noun that is packed with verb force. Do something.  Make that approach.  Send that message.   Put yourself out there.

In marriage pursuit, initiative is the necessary injection of energy, drive, and confidence that accompanies every relational beginning.   Men don’t get off the ground without it.    Showing a woman you are interested in that you have the inner gusto to take the first step towards her is a must.   Women are wired to look for a man who can wrestle with the world and early displays of initiative speak loudly to this deep instinct.

The desire was longstanding, but I had to learn how to funnel it into pure initiative.   Too much of me was being siphoned off and I had to take some drastic measures to learn to channel my marriage pursuit.  Here are the key ingredients that enabled me to brew a batch of secret sauce and turbo-charge my pursuit of marriage.

1. Gave Myself Permission

I know this sounds silly, but I was so committed to the ministry that I had to grant myself an excuse slip from a layer of this noble activity so that I could be available to genuinely undertake a full-fledged pursuit of a woman.   Now I had permission to say no to certain events and create some schedule margin.   This personal acknowledgement of my goal strengthened my resolve.   The most important human voice (myself) in my life had agreed that it was time to pursue marriage and therefore it began!

2.   Calendared Time

With my new Macbook I used the calendar feature to create a color coded category (gold) for “marriage”.   This would finally give me the necessary internal space to really pursue.   Marriage pursuit was no longer confined to the scraps of my life, after I had worked on everything and served everyone else.   It now had a solid lane of it’s own,  and with this allotment of time I began to move much more quickly toward to the goal-every week, consistent determined action.

3.  Started Asking

I got in the regular practice of asking out worthy candidates.   It was amazing how non-threatening this natural interaction can be when a guy relaxes and operates with confidence, not an arrogance of expecting every inquiry to be immediately received, but a sense that he is moving in the right direction.    Of course certain connections wouldn’t go through.   A girl may already be in a serious relationship or just not be interested in me,  but once I trusted God that something would eventually work out and my heart cry to marry my wife would become a reality, I carried on with a heightened tenacity.   Respectful rejection become powerful progression, until one day one a sweet young lady kept saying “yes!”

4.  Improved My Aim

The days of expending energy and affection on women who didn’t have strong marriage potential ended.   I finally had an optimized target, the ability to read and the discipline to walk past distractions.  No matter how attractive or appealing a woman was, if I didn’t see clear evidence of a tender heart and commitment to the Lord I hurried on by.    Improved aim helped me spot my wife like a laser beam across the room.

Are you ready to initiate?

You’ve been given the resources to pursue your wife.  Unlock the secret sauce of initiative and your pursuit will lift off.  For now it’s time to be a man and follow your heart as far as you can!

Decide. Declare. Write.  Act!

Onward,

Book Glimpse: The First Thirty Days

By

She radiates wife potential and you want to do this right.  He appears to be a prototype of your dream husband.   This time you’re not playing around; the first thirty days have officially begun.  What should be your next steps to move this ball downfield?   You succeeded in the flirt zone, now how do you manage the next steps?

Start the launch sequence

The new contact in your hand creates a sense of urgency – a feeling-fueled surge that sets in the moment this fresh opportunity resonates in your mind.    You just had a monster conversation with a vivacious belle in the midst of a thriving event.   For those glorious fifteen minutes everything else faded into the background.  Just you and her.

Now for step two

After a quick round of online flirting he has asked you out for a date.   From your message exchanges and the insights gleaned from his social media activity you are brimming with excitement.   He seems to share your core values, a promising career and an engaging communication style that has made your heart light up each time the mail icon lights up.   Clearly your relationship is increasing in momentum.  What can you do to prepare?

The First Thirty Days: Launch Your Relationship Right

Will provide you with an arsenal of thirty key principles to guide you during this formative first month pursuing marriage.   This is a critical juncture – a time when decades are designed, or hopes are shattered.  Providing a collection of biblical insights and real life counseling experiences, this book will equip you to skillfully handle the challenges and complexities of starting a relationship and enable you to put your best foot forward!  Available on Amazon’s Kindle platform in the Fall of 2013, we pray this resource will become a trusted advisor in your pursuit of marriage!    

Begin Your Marriage Pursuit

Learn How To Scout Your Mate

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD